My Story

I shouldn't have gone out:
I was feeling sick, tired, but my friend was in from out of town so I got showered, dressed, make-uped and took the A all the way to 14th street. I walked alone to the bar, it was 11pm. I walked quickly but felt safe, nothing to worry about. My biggest concern was how far and am I going in the right direction.

I should have got a cab:
I was tired, still getting over jet lag. I didn't feel like drinking so I had only had one beer to be social. It was a little after 1am and I knew I should be heading home cause I would be walking the neighborhood late at night. I thought about catching a cab but I thought I'd take the train up to 103 or so and then catch a cab, save some money

I should have gotten off at 103:
I fell asleep on the train, I always do. I woke up just as the doors were opening on 103. I was feeling lazy, groggy, and the train was warm. It's only a few more stops to my stop and it's only a little after 2am. I'll be fine. I dozed back off.

I shouldn't have walked alone:
See? Lots of people got off at 145. I'll be fine, people are still roaming around. But no one is really going my direction. That's ok, it's only a short walk. I'll increase my stride, walk faster, look aggressive, hold my purse, not wear my ipod, be aware of who's around me. I'll be fine.
I turn onto 143rd. It's darker down that street, residential, street lamps. I pull out my keys already in my pocket. My chapstick falls out so I bend down to pick it up. I barely notice the person behind me. Seems far enough away, not a threat.
I go to my building. They say if someone is making you nervous you should not go to where you live but where else am I supposed to go? Besides, I'm almost at my apartment so I'm pretty safe.

I shouldn't have held the door:
He held a black grocery bag but he still didn't quiet seem to belong. I held the door for him anyway, afraid to confront, afraid to be impolite. He followed me up the stairs. Why the fuck is he taking these narrow stairs? No one takes the stairs. I know the 3 other apartments on my floor and anyone above that does not take the stairs. They take the elevator.
Oh thank god, he walked past me, started to go up to the third floor. I watched him before opening my door. He turned to me.
He smiled.
He walked towards me like he was going to ask a question and I was cornered. It was 2:30am, no one around. He scowled and talked really softly. "Listen, just shutup." "Oh my god. Please don't do this. Please." His hand was in his pocket. I don't know what else is in his pocket. Even just with his hands I'm sure he could hurt me. "Give me your money" "ok. ok. ok. just hold on. One second." I parted with the cash easily. It's just cash, it wasn't much, I really don't care about the money.

I should have done something:
I pulled it out of my wallet it one easy swipe. I took back the stamps I had just bought. He didn't ask for that and didn't seem to mind that they made their way back to my possession. the pepper spray, attached to my keys, was poised in my hand but I was too afraid to use it. Does it still work? will it spray right? will he get pissed? I put it down.
"Give me your cell phone" "no, please please, no" "give me your cell phone" "ok, just let me get my contacts out, ok?" "Just give it to me" I handed it over reluctantly. I really liked my phone.

I wish I wasn't weak:
He ran down the stairs I tried to get inside, quickly. I fumbled with the keys putting the wrong one into the wrong deadbolt. Shahnee's light was on at the end of the hallway and I ran to it, yelling. "Shahnee. I was just robbed, I need to call 911." I get to her door and see she was in bed. I pick up her cell phone without asking but can't even remember how to use it. She directs me to the kitchen "what happened?" She's dialing and it's busy. "I was robbed. at the front door. He followed me in." She calls again, they answer. They start asking questions she can't answer and puts me on.
I give a description: black male, 5'6"-5'8", tan hat, dark jacket (was it black? I don't know, just dark, could have been grey), jeans, a patterned bandana under his hat. they ask for a contact number and Shahnee has to give me hers about three times before I can convey it to the operator.
I start to tell Shahnee the story. A car door slams outside and the cops are already here. First 2, I give a statement, they radio in the description (timberland boots, I think, medium skin tone, average weight). 4 more show up and listen in. No, I was touched. No weapon shown, he had his hand in his pocket, I was too scared to ask. I think it's illegal to carry pepper spray in NY but I tell them anyway. I was too afraid to use it.

After After:
Shahnee says she'll wait up for me. I ride in the back of a cruiser, two cops up front. We are circling the neighborhood trying to see if I can spot him. We all know there is a slim chance. At every group of black guys we slow down. For most I can give a really quick no. too dark. too tall. too fat.
They bring me back home, fill out a report:
Description of what was taken:
1) $62-$67
2) one Motorola Razr9 cell phone, maroon, has pictures of ellie on it that I want back.
Description of him:
5'6"-5'8", black, male, tan hat, patterned bandanna underneath, dark jacket (black? I don't know, just dark), jeans (what kind? just average, not dark, not light), timberland boots. Any visable scars or tattoos? There was something weird with his teeth. When he smiled, there was something weird. I don't know if he had caps, or they were black but it was something weird.
The driver is looking at me in the rear view mirror. Gaging my reaction? Determining my sincerity?
I keep thinking something and I don't know if I should say it. I decide to. "You know, it's funny, I keep thinking back to all my psychology classes and how unreliable my own witness testimony is." They nod their heads. Because it is. They do studies and show that eye witnesses rarely get it right. I try to change different clothing items in my mind's picture of him and it's still seems right. I wonder if faced with him again I could place his face. It was all so quick. so brief.
I'm to call before monday to get a complaint number.

Shahnee is waiting up for me. I didn't think about it before but it is really comforting to not be coming back to darkness. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm totally fine.