I'm in my hometown of Fairfax, VA for a couple of days. It feels good to be out of New York for a little bit. I'm hoping that time away will help me calm down so I can come back to the city with a new perspective.
It's been a week and I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm especially tired of talking about it because talking to other people is my escape from thinking about it. It's constantly in my brain pulling at my attention. Mostly it's because I'm worried about having another panic attack and trying to avoid putting myself in a position of being scared again. Then I think back to what happened and how it could have gone differently, both good and bad. How I could have fought back or how I should have shut the door in his face or thrown the money away from me or screamed or asked if he had a weapon or taken a cab or if he had tried to touch me what I would have done or if I was shot what I would have done. A million different scenarios have gone through my head and the only way to keep them at bay is to get involved in something else.
Busy Busy Busy.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Where my anger lies
It makes me so angry that it was a black man who robbed me.
It just falls into the stereotype of black men in Harlem. And I hate that for the time being I'm afraid of black men. In my specific case I'm only afraid of the anonymous black man on the street who I'm passing, not those I already know or meet through friends or whatever whatever.
And the more people I talk to about this the more people I find who have been mugged or robbed and it's always a black man. What the fuck?! My friend who works at Ripley-Grier, the cab driver last night who got his entire cab stolen..... Why fall into every stereotype and expectation the most ignorant person on the planet has for you? And I'm angry that for the time being I'm included in that ignorant population.
But I'm not ignorant. Rationally I know that anyone of any race can be a threat or can be a hero. Emotionally my heart stops every time I pass a black guy. Or every time a black guy comes on the subway. And I live in Harlem so how often do you think that happens? If you answered "every second" then you'd be right.
I'm angry that I have these feelings. and I'm very impatient with myself. I want to be done with now. but I've still got miles to go before I rest......
It just falls into the stereotype of black men in Harlem. And I hate that for the time being I'm afraid of black men. In my specific case I'm only afraid of the anonymous black man on the street who I'm passing, not those I already know or meet through friends or whatever whatever.
And the more people I talk to about this the more people I find who have been mugged or robbed and it's always a black man. What the fuck?! My friend who works at Ripley-Grier, the cab driver last night who got his entire cab stolen..... Why fall into every stereotype and expectation the most ignorant person on the planet has for you? And I'm angry that for the time being I'm included in that ignorant population.
But I'm not ignorant. Rationally I know that anyone of any race can be a threat or can be a hero. Emotionally my heart stops every time I pass a black guy. Or every time a black guy comes on the subway. And I live in Harlem so how often do you think that happens? If you answered "every second" then you'd be right.
I'm angry that I have these feelings. and I'm very impatient with myself. I want to be done with now. but I've still got miles to go before I rest......
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I Watch
Morning and night I'm drawn to the curtainless living room windows. I know the people outside can see me so I try not to stay too long. But I can resist staring.
I watch the people walking up and down the street.
I watch the people standing on the stoops watching the world go by.
I watch people talking to each other.
I watch the mailman come.
I watch the man walking his dog.
I watch the white girl with the big sunglasses walking down the street.
I watch the homeless guy going through the trash cans.
I watch, I watch, I watch.
If I identify with the person, I try to see if they feel safe. If I see the person as different from me, I try to determine if they mean good or ill.
I've been watching from a state of fear and interpreting the world through that veil. Once I realized the tension I have while watching and the skepticism I had, I've tried to actively change my thought process.
Now I approach the window with a positive feeling. I look at those that are talking and try to think thoughts like "Isn't it wonderful to see people in the community talking to each other?" I try to focus on the smiling people. I actively look for examples of safety and security to reinforce that thought process.
I used to see the street as safe. I used to step out into the cool air and the sun and feel the freshness of the day. I used to smile at people coming in and out of my building. I used to feel at ease.
I want that feeling back.
I watch the people walking up and down the street.
I watch the people standing on the stoops watching the world go by.
I watch people talking to each other.
I watch the mailman come.
I watch the man walking his dog.
I watch the white girl with the big sunglasses walking down the street.
I watch the homeless guy going through the trash cans.
I watch, I watch, I watch.
If I identify with the person, I try to see if they feel safe. If I see the person as different from me, I try to determine if they mean good or ill.
I've been watching from a state of fear and interpreting the world through that veil. Once I realized the tension I have while watching and the skepticism I had, I've tried to actively change my thought process.
Now I approach the window with a positive feeling. I look at those that are talking and try to think thoughts like "Isn't it wonderful to see people in the community talking to each other?" I try to focus on the smiling people. I actively look for examples of safety and security to reinforce that thought process.
I used to see the street as safe. I used to step out into the cool air and the sun and feel the freshness of the day. I used to smile at people coming in and out of my building. I used to feel at ease.
I want that feeling back.
Nightmares and calls
When I got off the phone with my mom last night she said, "At least you haven't had any nightmares."
Tonight I had a nightmare.
But not what you'd think.
I was riding on a bus with my mom and we had luggage with us. We were traveling to our house in Fairfax and debating where to be dropped off. Finally I convinced her to go where I thought was closest and we got off. She had he purse on top of her suitcase, open. A skinny brunette girl with square cut bangs and straight hair cam up and started to try and go through my mom's purse. I went over to stop her, saying "hello", waving at her then starting to curse at her and, when she wouldn't stop coming closer, I wanted to hit her. I kept using the word "fuck" and it shocked my mom and embarrassed her that the girl and her mother would hear me use that. She apologized to the strangers and invited them over to the house. They came over and I was still angry and saying "fuck" a lot and my mom kept apologizing for me an trying to hush me up. That just made me angrier because here are these people who are trying to take advantage of her and all she can worry about is my language. And now we are fighting while the strangers are left alone in the living room
I woke up unsettled. I stayed perfectly still as if that would help me figure out what that was all about. A tingly sensation went through my body signaling the transition between sleeping and waking. the whole dream left me unsettled and scared but I don't know why. I turned on the lights in my room and checked my email only to find that there was a message for me left on my answering service. I check it and it's a message from Detective Lopez regarding my "robbery complaint." He left it at 12:09am and it was now 3:49am. I turned on my cell phone and tried the number. It rang and rang with no answer. I hang up and see a text from Shahnee saying the detective called her trying to find me.
Why do they need to talk to me?
I have all these images in my head of going down to the 30th precinct and having to pick the guy from a lineup. He's in there for something else but something about him matches the description I gave. Maybe the jacked up teeth. I think that if I had to pick them out I'd have to make them smile. That smile has stuck with me. Over and over again I see that smile. He smiled when I held the door open, he smiled as he came towards me. I can't get that smile out of my head. It was so simple when it started and now it's mutated into the definition of something disgusting and dirty and deceitful.
So now 2 hours or more later I'm still up. I've finished the latest book I was reading and tried to cal the detective 3 more times. It's probably nothing, maybe just working through paperwork. But why call at midnight? The curiosity is killing me.
Tonight I had a nightmare.
But not what you'd think.
I was riding on a bus with my mom and we had luggage with us. We were traveling to our house in Fairfax and debating where to be dropped off. Finally I convinced her to go where I thought was closest and we got off. She had he purse on top of her suitcase, open. A skinny brunette girl with square cut bangs and straight hair cam up and started to try and go through my mom's purse. I went over to stop her, saying "hello", waving at her then starting to curse at her and, when she wouldn't stop coming closer, I wanted to hit her. I kept using the word "fuck" and it shocked my mom and embarrassed her that the girl and her mother would hear me use that. She apologized to the strangers and invited them over to the house. They came over and I was still angry and saying "fuck" a lot and my mom kept apologizing for me an trying to hush me up. That just made me angrier because here are these people who are trying to take advantage of her and all she can worry about is my language. And now we are fighting while the strangers are left alone in the living room
I woke up unsettled. I stayed perfectly still as if that would help me figure out what that was all about. A tingly sensation went through my body signaling the transition between sleeping and waking. the whole dream left me unsettled and scared but I don't know why. I turned on the lights in my room and checked my email only to find that there was a message for me left on my answering service. I check it and it's a message from Detective Lopez regarding my "robbery complaint." He left it at 12:09am and it was now 3:49am. I turned on my cell phone and tried the number. It rang and rang with no answer. I hang up and see a text from Shahnee saying the detective called her trying to find me.
Why do they need to talk to me?
I have all these images in my head of going down to the 30th precinct and having to pick the guy from a lineup. He's in there for something else but something about him matches the description I gave. Maybe the jacked up teeth. I think that if I had to pick them out I'd have to make them smile. That smile has stuck with me. Over and over again I see that smile. He smiled when I held the door open, he smiled as he came towards me. I can't get that smile out of my head. It was so simple when it started and now it's mutated into the definition of something disgusting and dirty and deceitful.
So now 2 hours or more later I'm still up. I've finished the latest book I was reading and tried to cal the detective 3 more times. It's probably nothing, maybe just working through paperwork. But why call at midnight? The curiosity is killing me.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Good from Bad
I posted a letter by the mailboxes telling the neighbors what happened and also urging them to be careful about letting people in. I signed it and wrote my apartment number down so people could contact me if they wanted. 2 of the 3 other apartments on my floor stopped by to talk to me about it and say they were sorry. While we were talking the third apartment came out and we were able to talk to her a bit. They smoke a lot of weed and the hallway constantly smells of it and there was a whiff of it when she was walking out so I think she was a little confused at first. After we told her what had happened, she went back inside to tell her roommates.
The three of us, Myra, Jason and me, talked about what had happened and what we could do in the future. We are all going to be bugging the building people to fix the buzzers and intercoms so we can use them properly. Right now we can't talk on them or hear anything so they are kind of useless. We've complained before but now there is more of an urgency to get it fixed. The safety issue has been illuminated.
We also talked about forming a group or committee in the building so we can ban together and get some of the things done that need to be done in the building. They can ignore individuals but they can't ignore a whole group. Plus, we'd all know more people in the building.
That's the greatest good to come of this. The neighbors are being really supportive and I'm getting to know them more. If we know each other more it becomes more of a community and we can watch out for each other and go to each other for help. And that will make everything safer too!
The three of us, Myra, Jason and me, talked about what had happened and what we could do in the future. We are all going to be bugging the building people to fix the buzzers and intercoms so we can use them properly. Right now we can't talk on them or hear anything so they are kind of useless. We've complained before but now there is more of an urgency to get it fixed. The safety issue has been illuminated.
We also talked about forming a group or committee in the building so we can ban together and get some of the things done that need to be done in the building. They can ignore individuals but they can't ignore a whole group. Plus, we'd all know more people in the building.
That's the greatest good to come of this. The neighbors are being really supportive and I'm getting to know them more. If we know each other more it becomes more of a community and we can watch out for each other and go to each other for help. And that will make everything safer too!
Freak OUT
My freak out for the day:
1) I was walking up the stairs to my apartment and waiting outside the door to the apartment across the hall was a young black man. I almost ran back down the stairs and outside but my rational side took over.
2) On my way back from laundry, I passed a black male on the corner with a tan hat on and almost freaked.
Everyone on the street looks like a threat, everyone seems to be sizing me up, everyone looks angry.
How long will this last?
1) I was walking up the stairs to my apartment and waiting outside the door to the apartment across the hall was a young black man. I almost ran back down the stairs and outside but my rational side took over.
2) On my way back from laundry, I passed a black male on the corner with a tan hat on and almost freaked.
Everyone on the street looks like a threat, everyone seems to be sizing me up, everyone looks angry.
How long will this last?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Mom and Dad
I've talked to my mom every day since it happened. Since my grandfather/her father's death, we've all been a lot closer. It's been really nice
When it first happened, I wanted to protect my parents from the news. They were the first people I wanted to call but I also prepared myself for the call, for the freak out that was bound to happen. They would be shocked, hysterical, over-the-top upset. I need time to steel myself against the onslaught of emotions.
But it didn't come.
My dad answered the phone when I first called. He was happy to hear from me and was asking me how I was. This was before my first panic attack so I said I was fine. I wasn't lying.
"I have something I need to tell you. First, I'm ok. Just know that I'm ok. I was mugged last night"
Then comes the inevitable question, a different euphemism depending on the person.
Were you touched? Were you assaulted? Were you attacked?
No, I was very lucky. It could have gone so much worse.
My dad was very calm about everything. He is a retired police officer so he can go into police mode and find the details. He's seen it all and knows how bad it could get. He treads lightly and slowly with his questions and lets me tell it at my pace. He says he will tell mom when she gets back so she can be calm when she talks to me.
My mom is calm when we finally talk later in the day. She's been robbed, mugged and assaulted several times. She knows where I'm coming from and is really helpful to talk to. Except she expects me to react the same way she does. She gets angry immediately, I'm not there yet. I don't know if I will be. Right now I'm just kind of there.
When I call her the day after the panic attack, she listens to me relive it. She tells me not to be so hard on myself and give myself some time to get better. I didn't realize I was being hard on myself.
I am though. She's right.
When did the change happen that I realized how much valuable advice my mom had?
I'm so glad I have them to talk to. They are very comforting to me. I was so worried my news would break them but I'm strong because they are strong too. They have been so supportive without being condescending, without treating me like a child.
It's pretty amazing to realize you don't just love your parents, you actually really like them too.
When it first happened, I wanted to protect my parents from the news. They were the first people I wanted to call but I also prepared myself for the call, for the freak out that was bound to happen. They would be shocked, hysterical, over-the-top upset. I need time to steel myself against the onslaught of emotions.
But it didn't come.
My dad answered the phone when I first called. He was happy to hear from me and was asking me how I was. This was before my first panic attack so I said I was fine. I wasn't lying.
"I have something I need to tell you. First, I'm ok. Just know that I'm ok. I was mugged last night"
Then comes the inevitable question, a different euphemism depending on the person.
Were you touched? Were you assaulted? Were you attacked?
No, I was very lucky. It could have gone so much worse.
My dad was very calm about everything. He is a retired police officer so he can go into police mode and find the details. He's seen it all and knows how bad it could get. He treads lightly and slowly with his questions and lets me tell it at my pace. He says he will tell mom when she gets back so she can be calm when she talks to me.
My mom is calm when we finally talk later in the day. She's been robbed, mugged and assaulted several times. She knows where I'm coming from and is really helpful to talk to. Except she expects me to react the same way she does. She gets angry immediately, I'm not there yet. I don't know if I will be. Right now I'm just kind of there.
When I call her the day after the panic attack, she listens to me relive it. She tells me not to be so hard on myself and give myself some time to get better. I didn't realize I was being hard on myself.
I am though. She's right.
When did the change happen that I realized how much valuable advice my mom had?
I'm so glad I have them to talk to. They are very comforting to me. I was so worried my news would break them but I'm strong because they are strong too. They have been so supportive without being condescending, without treating me like a child.
It's pretty amazing to realize you don't just love your parents, you actually really like them too.
I'm so frustrated with myself
Today I had a place to be all day.
Work.
Meeting.
Rehearsal.
I was due home around 9:30pm but rehearsal let out early and I was home around 9:15pm. I walked with others from Theatre Row to the train and was fine. I kept monitoring my thoughts. Am I scared now? Does this make me scared? Is this alright?
I annoyed myself. I was fine, didn't feel threatened and was calm.
My friend had to go on a different train and I rode the train by myself. I sat next to a black guy. I wasn't scared at all. I was still monitoring myself to see where my limit was but everything was fine. I wasn't scared, but I was dreading the walk home.
I got off the train. I took a deep breath.
I'm going to be fine.
It's all fine.
Up the stairs, through the turnstile, up more stairs and out into the night.
I'm walking really fast.
Why did he just look at me? I'm sure it's nothing.
Who is that behind me? not threatening.
Cross the street, check behind me.
Turn the corner, check behind me.
Pass the pay phones, check behind me.
Get to the store, turn onto 143, check behind me....
someone is there, male, dark skin. I turn back to the corner store.
Feeling slightly nervous.
Call my roommate, straight to voicemail.
I try again.
Turn the corner, check behind me, male, dark skin, back to the corner store.
More nervous, pacing back and forth.
I dial 911 on my phone and prepare to hit call.
I try again.
Turn the corner, check behind me, male, black, walking quickly, back the corner store.
Really scared now. I can't even make it a few steps.
People across the street are staring at the crazy white bitch.
I try my roommate again. Straight to voicemail.
There is a worker outside of the store and I summon the courage to ask him to walk me.
I offer to pay him.
He calls someone else over to translate for him but I can speak Spanish. I'm in tears now. He refuses, he has to work.
I'm completely breaking down now crying on the corner of Amsterdam and 143. I have no idea how to make it home or what to do.
I spot a cop car parked at the intersection and I quickly walk to it. I try to control myself but I'm very much breaking down. I'm having trouble breathing and cannot control the crying.
The officer rolls down the window.
"I was just mugged a couple days ago and I'm scared to walk down the street to my apartment. It's literally right there and I can't make it."
"Do you want a ride?"
"I would love a ride. thank you so much"
They ask me questions about when it happened, did I report it, was it only a robbery.
I answer and keep apologizing:
For crying.
For the inconvenience.
For being so weak.
They drop me off, wait for the door to close firmly behind me.
I run upstairs, go inside, sob to my roommate.
She left her cell phone at her parents house. They're fed-exing it tomorrow.
She hugs me and lets me freak out.
I'm so frustrated with myself.
Work.
Meeting.
Rehearsal.
I was due home around 9:30pm but rehearsal let out early and I was home around 9:15pm. I walked with others from Theatre Row to the train and was fine. I kept monitoring my thoughts. Am I scared now? Does this make me scared? Is this alright?
I annoyed myself. I was fine, didn't feel threatened and was calm.
My friend had to go on a different train and I rode the train by myself. I sat next to a black guy. I wasn't scared at all. I was still monitoring myself to see where my limit was but everything was fine. I wasn't scared, but I was dreading the walk home.
I got off the train. I took a deep breath.
I'm going to be fine.
It's all fine.
Up the stairs, through the turnstile, up more stairs and out into the night.
I'm walking really fast.
Why did he just look at me? I'm sure it's nothing.
Who is that behind me? not threatening.
Cross the street, check behind me.
Turn the corner, check behind me.
Pass the pay phones, check behind me.
Get to the store, turn onto 143, check behind me....
someone is there, male, dark skin. I turn back to the corner store.
Feeling slightly nervous.
Call my roommate, straight to voicemail.
I try again.
Turn the corner, check behind me, male, dark skin, back to the corner store.
More nervous, pacing back and forth.
I dial 911 on my phone and prepare to hit call.
I try again.
Turn the corner, check behind me, male, black, walking quickly, back the corner store.
Really scared now. I can't even make it a few steps.
People across the street are staring at the crazy white bitch.
I try my roommate again. Straight to voicemail.
There is a worker outside of the store and I summon the courage to ask him to walk me.
I offer to pay him.
He calls someone else over to translate for him but I can speak Spanish. I'm in tears now. He refuses, he has to work.
I'm completely breaking down now crying on the corner of Amsterdam and 143. I have no idea how to make it home or what to do.
I spot a cop car parked at the intersection and I quickly walk to it. I try to control myself but I'm very much breaking down. I'm having trouble breathing and cannot control the crying.
The officer rolls down the window.
"I was just mugged a couple days ago and I'm scared to walk down the street to my apartment. It's literally right there and I can't make it."
"Do you want a ride?"
"I would love a ride. thank you so much"
They ask me questions about when it happened, did I report it, was it only a robbery.
I answer and keep apologizing:
For crying.
For the inconvenience.
For being so weak.
They drop me off, wait for the door to close firmly behind me.
I run upstairs, go inside, sob to my roommate.
She left her cell phone at her parents house. They're fed-exing it tomorrow.
She hugs me and lets me freak out.
I'm so frustrated with myself.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
In hiding
Today I didn't leave the house. I was supposed to do laundry but I convinced myself I'd have time during the week. I most definitely don't have time during the week. I just didn't want to leave the house. There's this huge barrier between me an the outside world. When I picture myself leaving the apartment I remember being cornered. I remember him two steps up to the third floor, looking over his shoulder, smiling, coming towards me.
After my panic attack yesterday I'm afraid of being out at night and having another one. I know I can't hide forever. But hiding away today was good.
After my panic attack yesterday I'm afraid of being out at night and having another one. I know I can't hide forever. But hiding away today was good.
Drinking at 9....am
Its Easter morning and I'm drinking at 9am to calm myself down. I was going to do laundry as soon as I woke up today but noon seems safer to me. I imagine most people around this area are with their families or at church. Those who don't celebrate are sleeping in. So who is out on the streets now? I don't know and I don't want to find out.
Noon seems safer to me.
Noon seems safer to me.
The Day After
I wake up early. Did that really just happen last night? seriously? I got mugged? I need to buy a phone. I need to call my parents.
Last night I had put up a facebook and myspace notice that I had gotten mugged and already support is flowing in. I'm so grateful for all these wonderful friends. I feel minorly effected, not scared, not really worried, just focused on hitting the bank and the AT&T store. The phone I had would cost $550 because I can't renew a contract and I don't have insurance. I buy a much cheaper phone but it sounds terrible. I'm going to look for a new phone online and return this one within 30 days. One good piece of news is that I have an old SIM card that has a lot of my contacts. I won't loose that many phone numbers after all.
I'm feeling so incredibly grateful that it hasn't taken me much to get back on my feet and I feel like nothing has happened. It stinks and it's an inconvenience but it's no more then that.
I just don't want to be alone right now.
I call John and tell him what happened and that I don't want to be alone. He says come over and I spend the day there. All my conversation comes back to the mugging as I'm processing information but it's all very detached on my part.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm surprisingly fine.
It's now 7:30pm and it's dark outside. I'm starting to get nervous because I know I will have to walk from the train to my apartment. 8pm is a safe time to walk alone, right? I should be fine, right? Until what time do you think it's ok to walk alone? 10pm? 11pm? Everything will be fine, right?
I walk from his apartment to the 1 stop and am incredibly nervous. He had said, almost joking, call if you get scared. Well now I'm kind of scared. He calls and says I left something there. I'm almost abrupt in my answer. "Well I'm not going back to get it now!" I'm afraid if I turn around I won't make it out. I've already come this far and I have to keep walking.
The streets are busy, shops are open, lots of lights. I pass a black man walking alone and get really nervous. I make it to the train and down to the tracks just as it is approaching. I see a black man through the window and get nervous about getting on the train but see he is with a woman and it makes me feel alright. I sit across from them and just want to look at them, figure out their intentions and thoughts.
I get out at 145 and walk south on Broadway. I know I must have my terror written across my face. Earlier today I was looking for my mugger actively, brazenly. Now my head is ducked and I'm terrified I will run into him. I'm walking quickly, I just want to get home. My cell phone and my keys are in my coat pocket.
At the corner before I turn onto 145 three black guys are standing in a group. They are taller and heavier then my mugger and there is no way I could get away from them. I pass them and one says to me "smile sweetheart" and they start walking. I am absolutely shaking with fear. I pull out my phone and start to dial 911 so I have it at the ready in case anything happens. I stop instead at the shoe store, almost go in but then stop at the door and call John. the three guys pass me and cross the street and only then do I turn onto my street. I want to run all the way home. I need to get home now!
John answers and he is saying something about me leaving my food there but I could care less although I'm trying to be joky and laughy. I pass a black guy with a little kid and he looks me in the eyes. I get more scared but try to rationalize that he wouldn't do anything especially with a kid there. Or maybe he doesn't care and would do something anyway. I walk faster. I finally get out to John that I got scared. My voice is so shaky that John asks if it's cold out. I'm almost to my apartment, so close.
I approach the main door and there is a hispanic woman waiting outside on the phone with an easter basket and a bag. She obviously can't get a hold of whoever she knows in the apartment building. I open the door and she starts to follow me in. I want to slam the fucking door in her face. Who the fuck is she to follow me in without even saying anything? I want to push her back and say, sorry, it's my new policy, wait for whoever you know to buzz you in. but I don't. She follows, smiles and says thank you.
I almost run up the stairs, quickly unlock the door, jump inside and lock the door behind me. I let out all the tension I've been holding and have a complete melt down. I'm terrified, sobbing, gasping for air, pacing the floor, trying to explain what happened, why I got so scared.
I didn't expect this. I didn't expect to be so terrified. It was an all consuming fear that filled my body completely. I've never had a panic attack before but I imagine that was it.
I think it takes me a full 15 minutes to finally calm down.
I don't know what's going on with me.
I don't like that I see black men as so threatening now. I hope that goes away.
I don't like that I feel so scared, so vulnerable alone. I hope that goes away.
I realize I need to talk to others who have gone through the same thing so I can see what's going to happen. I need some kind of support from people who have been there. I don't now if you can understand that complete, consuming and utter irrational fear unless you've experienced it. I certainly never knew what it was until today.
I get off the phone with John and call Anna. I just want to keep talking. I tell her what just happened and start sobbing again. She knows some people that have been mugged and I ask a lot of questions about what happened to them after.
How long until they felt normal?
Did they feel like they had to move?
Did they get scared like me?
What did they feel?
I get off the phone with her and call Kristian. He had a severe car accident and wasn't able to sit in the passenger seat of a car for a while without freaking out. There are a lot of similarities in what happened and he was able to put some things in perspective for me. I'm realizing that this is going to be a long process back to feeling safe.
He recommends self-defense classes. It always seemed so cheesy to me before but now it is looking really good. Just so I can know what to do. Just so I'm not so scared. Just so I'm not so frozen.
Maybe he's really been able to calm me down, maybe I'm just exhausted but I'm falling asleep while on the phone and not catching much of what he says. I'm able to cover it up until he says "that was a joke" and I have no idea what he is talking about. I admit I've been falling asleep and finally get off the phone and go to bed.
Tonight the bedroom door is unlocked and the window is open.
Baby steps to normalcy.
Last night I had put up a facebook and myspace notice that I had gotten mugged and already support is flowing in. I'm so grateful for all these wonderful friends. I feel minorly effected, not scared, not really worried, just focused on hitting the bank and the AT&T store. The phone I had would cost $550 because I can't renew a contract and I don't have insurance. I buy a much cheaper phone but it sounds terrible. I'm going to look for a new phone online and return this one within 30 days. One good piece of news is that I have an old SIM card that has a lot of my contacts. I won't loose that many phone numbers after all.
I'm feeling so incredibly grateful that it hasn't taken me much to get back on my feet and I feel like nothing has happened. It stinks and it's an inconvenience but it's no more then that.
I just don't want to be alone right now.
I call John and tell him what happened and that I don't want to be alone. He says come over and I spend the day there. All my conversation comes back to the mugging as I'm processing information but it's all very detached on my part.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm surprisingly fine.
It's now 7:30pm and it's dark outside. I'm starting to get nervous because I know I will have to walk from the train to my apartment. 8pm is a safe time to walk alone, right? I should be fine, right? Until what time do you think it's ok to walk alone? 10pm? 11pm? Everything will be fine, right?
I walk from his apartment to the 1 stop and am incredibly nervous. He had said, almost joking, call if you get scared. Well now I'm kind of scared. He calls and says I left something there. I'm almost abrupt in my answer. "Well I'm not going back to get it now!" I'm afraid if I turn around I won't make it out. I've already come this far and I have to keep walking.
The streets are busy, shops are open, lots of lights. I pass a black man walking alone and get really nervous. I make it to the train and down to the tracks just as it is approaching. I see a black man through the window and get nervous about getting on the train but see he is with a woman and it makes me feel alright. I sit across from them and just want to look at them, figure out their intentions and thoughts.
I get out at 145 and walk south on Broadway. I know I must have my terror written across my face. Earlier today I was looking for my mugger actively, brazenly. Now my head is ducked and I'm terrified I will run into him. I'm walking quickly, I just want to get home. My cell phone and my keys are in my coat pocket.
At the corner before I turn onto 145 three black guys are standing in a group. They are taller and heavier then my mugger and there is no way I could get away from them. I pass them and one says to me "smile sweetheart" and they start walking. I am absolutely shaking with fear. I pull out my phone and start to dial 911 so I have it at the ready in case anything happens. I stop instead at the shoe store, almost go in but then stop at the door and call John. the three guys pass me and cross the street and only then do I turn onto my street. I want to run all the way home. I need to get home now!
John answers and he is saying something about me leaving my food there but I could care less although I'm trying to be joky and laughy. I pass a black guy with a little kid and he looks me in the eyes. I get more scared but try to rationalize that he wouldn't do anything especially with a kid there. Or maybe he doesn't care and would do something anyway. I walk faster. I finally get out to John that I got scared. My voice is so shaky that John asks if it's cold out. I'm almost to my apartment, so close.
I approach the main door and there is a hispanic woman waiting outside on the phone with an easter basket and a bag. She obviously can't get a hold of whoever she knows in the apartment building. I open the door and she starts to follow me in. I want to slam the fucking door in her face. Who the fuck is she to follow me in without even saying anything? I want to push her back and say, sorry, it's my new policy, wait for whoever you know to buzz you in. but I don't. She follows, smiles and says thank you.
I almost run up the stairs, quickly unlock the door, jump inside and lock the door behind me. I let out all the tension I've been holding and have a complete melt down. I'm terrified, sobbing, gasping for air, pacing the floor, trying to explain what happened, why I got so scared.
I didn't expect this. I didn't expect to be so terrified. It was an all consuming fear that filled my body completely. I've never had a panic attack before but I imagine that was it.
I think it takes me a full 15 minutes to finally calm down.
I don't know what's going on with me.
I don't like that I see black men as so threatening now. I hope that goes away.
I don't like that I feel so scared, so vulnerable alone. I hope that goes away.
I realize I need to talk to others who have gone through the same thing so I can see what's going to happen. I need some kind of support from people who have been there. I don't now if you can understand that complete, consuming and utter irrational fear unless you've experienced it. I certainly never knew what it was until today.
I get off the phone with John and call Anna. I just want to keep talking. I tell her what just happened and start sobbing again. She knows some people that have been mugged and I ask a lot of questions about what happened to them after.
How long until they felt normal?
Did they feel like they had to move?
Did they get scared like me?
What did they feel?
I get off the phone with her and call Kristian. He had a severe car accident and wasn't able to sit in the passenger seat of a car for a while without freaking out. There are a lot of similarities in what happened and he was able to put some things in perspective for me. I'm realizing that this is going to be a long process back to feeling safe.
He recommends self-defense classes. It always seemed so cheesy to me before but now it is looking really good. Just so I can know what to do. Just so I'm not so scared. Just so I'm not so frozen.
Maybe he's really been able to calm me down, maybe I'm just exhausted but I'm falling asleep while on the phone and not catching much of what he says. I'm able to cover it up until he says "that was a joke" and I have no idea what he is talking about. I admit I've been falling asleep and finally get off the phone and go to bed.
Tonight the bedroom door is unlocked and the window is open.
Baby steps to normalcy.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
The Sleep
I just came back from canvasing with the police. I'm talking to Shahnee
about everything. I really want to go to sleep but I'm wired with adrenaline. I check the locks on the front door several times.
I lock my bedroom door for the first time ever. I close my 3rd story without a ladder in sight window. Both things completely irrational but it makes me feel safe. I just want to talk to someone on the phone but it's 4am now. And I don't have a phone. I can't even call my parents.
It's a restless night but it's ok. I realize I'm stressed but that's natural. Overall I'm fine though and know I'm safe now and it was just random and I can help prevent it in the future.
Sometime during the night it gets too hot and I open the window.
about everything. I really want to go to sleep but I'm wired with adrenaline. I check the locks on the front door several times.
I lock my bedroom door for the first time ever. I close my 3rd story without a ladder in sight window. Both things completely irrational but it makes me feel safe. I just want to talk to someone on the phone but it's 4am now. And I don't have a phone. I can't even call my parents.
It's a restless night but it's ok. I realize I'm stressed but that's natural. Overall I'm fine though and know I'm safe now and it was just random and I can help prevent it in the future.
Sometime during the night it gets too hot and I open the window.
My Story
I shouldn't have gone out:
I was feeling sick, tired, but my friend was in from out of town so I got showered, dressed, make-uped and took the A all the way to 14th street. I walked alone to the bar, it was 11pm. I walked quickly but felt safe, nothing to worry about. My biggest concern was how far and am I going in the right direction.
I should have got a cab:
I was tired, still getting over jet lag. I didn't feel like drinking so I had only had one beer to be social. It was a little after 1am and I knew I should be heading home cause I would be walking the neighborhood late at night. I thought about catching a cab but I thought I'd take the train up to 103 or so and then catch a cab, save some money
I should have gotten off at 103:
I fell asleep on the train, I always do. I woke up just as the doors were opening on 103. I was feeling lazy, groggy, and the train was warm. It's only a few more stops to my stop and it's only a little after 2am. I'll be fine. I dozed back off.
I shouldn't have walked alone:
See? Lots of people got off at 145. I'll be fine, people are still roaming around. But no one is really going my direction. That's ok, it's only a short walk. I'll increase my stride, walk faster, look aggressive, hold my purse, not wear my ipod, be aware of who's around me. I'll be fine.
I turn onto 143rd. It's darker down that street, residential, street lamps. I pull out my keys already in my pocket. My chapstick falls out so I bend down to pick it up. I barely notice the person behind me. Seems far enough away, not a threat.
I go to my building. They say if someone is making you nervous you should not go to where you live but where else am I supposed to go? Besides, I'm almost at my apartment so I'm pretty safe.
I shouldn't have held the door:
He held a black grocery bag but he still didn't quiet seem to belong. I held the door for him anyway, afraid to confront, afraid to be impolite. He followed me up the stairs. Why the fuck is he taking these narrow stairs? No one takes the stairs. I know the 3 other apartments on my floor and anyone above that does not take the stairs. They take the elevator.
Oh thank god, he walked past me, started to go up to the third floor. I watched him before opening my door. He turned to me.
He smiled.
He walked towards me like he was going to ask a question and I was cornered. It was 2:30am, no one around. He scowled and talked really softly. "Listen, just shutup." "Oh my god. Please don't do this. Please." His hand was in his pocket. I don't know what else is in his pocket. Even just with his hands I'm sure he could hurt me. "Give me your money" "ok. ok. ok. just hold on. One second." I parted with the cash easily. It's just cash, it wasn't much, I really don't care about the money.
I should have done something:
I pulled it out of my wallet it one easy swipe. I took back the stamps I had just bought. He didn't ask for that and didn't seem to mind that they made their way back to my possession. the pepper spray, attached to my keys, was poised in my hand but I was too afraid to use it. Does it still work? will it spray right? will he get pissed? I put it down.
"Give me your cell phone" "no, please please, no" "give me your cell phone" "ok, just let me get my contacts out, ok?" "Just give it to me" I handed it over reluctantly. I really liked my phone.
I wish I wasn't weak:
He ran down the stairs I tried to get inside, quickly. I fumbled with the keys putting the wrong one into the wrong deadbolt. Shahnee's light was on at the end of the hallway and I ran to it, yelling. "Shahnee. I was just robbed, I need to call 911." I get to her door and see she was in bed. I pick up her cell phone without asking but can't even remember how to use it. She directs me to the kitchen "what happened?" She's dialing and it's busy. "I was robbed. at the front door. He followed me in." She calls again, they answer. They start asking questions she can't answer and puts me on.
I give a description: black male, 5'6"-5'8", tan hat, dark jacket (was it black? I don't know, just dark, could have been grey), jeans, a patterned bandana under his hat. they ask for a contact number and Shahnee has to give me hers about three times before I can convey it to the operator.
I start to tell Shahnee the story. A car door slams outside and the cops are already here. First 2, I give a statement, they radio in the description (timberland boots, I think, medium skin tone, average weight). 4 more show up and listen in. No, I was touched. No weapon shown, he had his hand in his pocket, I was too scared to ask. I think it's illegal to carry pepper spray in NY but I tell them anyway. I was too afraid to use it.
After After:
Shahnee says she'll wait up for me. I ride in the back of a cruiser, two cops up front. We are circling the neighborhood trying to see if I can spot him. We all know there is a slim chance. At every group of black guys we slow down. For most I can give a really quick no. too dark. too tall. too fat.
They bring me back home, fill out a report:
Description of what was taken:
1) $62-$67
2) one Motorola Razr9 cell phone, maroon, has pictures of ellie on it that I want back.
Description of him:
5'6"-5'8", black, male, tan hat, patterned bandanna underneath, dark jacket (black? I don't know, just dark), jeans (what kind? just average, not dark, not light), timberland boots. Any visable scars or tattoos? There was something weird with his teeth. When he smiled, there was something weird. I don't know if he had caps, or they were black but it was something weird.
The driver is looking at me in the rear view mirror. Gaging my reaction? Determining my sincerity?
I keep thinking something and I don't know if I should say it. I decide to. "You know, it's funny, I keep thinking back to all my psychology classes and how unreliable my own witness testimony is." They nod their heads. Because it is. They do studies and show that eye witnesses rarely get it right. I try to change different clothing items in my mind's picture of him and it's still seems right. I wonder if faced with him again I could place his face. It was all so quick. so brief.
I'm to call before monday to get a complaint number.
Shahnee is waiting up for me. I didn't think about it before but it is really comforting to not be coming back to darkness. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm totally fine.
I was feeling sick, tired, but my friend was in from out of town so I got showered, dressed, make-uped and took the A all the way to 14th street. I walked alone to the bar, it was 11pm. I walked quickly but felt safe, nothing to worry about. My biggest concern was how far and am I going in the right direction.
I should have got a cab:
I was tired, still getting over jet lag. I didn't feel like drinking so I had only had one beer to be social. It was a little after 1am and I knew I should be heading home cause I would be walking the neighborhood late at night. I thought about catching a cab but I thought I'd take the train up to 103 or so and then catch a cab, save some money
I should have gotten off at 103:
I fell asleep on the train, I always do. I woke up just as the doors were opening on 103. I was feeling lazy, groggy, and the train was warm. It's only a few more stops to my stop and it's only a little after 2am. I'll be fine. I dozed back off.
I shouldn't have walked alone:
See? Lots of people got off at 145. I'll be fine, people are still roaming around. But no one is really going my direction. That's ok, it's only a short walk. I'll increase my stride, walk faster, look aggressive, hold my purse, not wear my ipod, be aware of who's around me. I'll be fine.
I turn onto 143rd. It's darker down that street, residential, street lamps. I pull out my keys already in my pocket. My chapstick falls out so I bend down to pick it up. I barely notice the person behind me. Seems far enough away, not a threat.
I go to my building. They say if someone is making you nervous you should not go to where you live but where else am I supposed to go? Besides, I'm almost at my apartment so I'm pretty safe.
I shouldn't have held the door:
He held a black grocery bag but he still didn't quiet seem to belong. I held the door for him anyway, afraid to confront, afraid to be impolite. He followed me up the stairs. Why the fuck is he taking these narrow stairs? No one takes the stairs. I know the 3 other apartments on my floor and anyone above that does not take the stairs. They take the elevator.
Oh thank god, he walked past me, started to go up to the third floor. I watched him before opening my door. He turned to me.
He smiled.
He walked towards me like he was going to ask a question and I was cornered. It was 2:30am, no one around. He scowled and talked really softly. "Listen, just shutup." "Oh my god. Please don't do this. Please." His hand was in his pocket. I don't know what else is in his pocket. Even just with his hands I'm sure he could hurt me. "Give me your money" "ok. ok. ok. just hold on. One second." I parted with the cash easily. It's just cash, it wasn't much, I really don't care about the money.
I should have done something:
I pulled it out of my wallet it one easy swipe. I took back the stamps I had just bought. He didn't ask for that and didn't seem to mind that they made their way back to my possession. the pepper spray, attached to my keys, was poised in my hand but I was too afraid to use it. Does it still work? will it spray right? will he get pissed? I put it down.
"Give me your cell phone" "no, please please, no" "give me your cell phone" "ok, just let me get my contacts out, ok?" "Just give it to me" I handed it over reluctantly. I really liked my phone.
I wish I wasn't weak:
He ran down the stairs I tried to get inside, quickly. I fumbled with the keys putting the wrong one into the wrong deadbolt. Shahnee's light was on at the end of the hallway and I ran to it, yelling. "Shahnee. I was just robbed, I need to call 911." I get to her door and see she was in bed. I pick up her cell phone without asking but can't even remember how to use it. She directs me to the kitchen "what happened?" She's dialing and it's busy. "I was robbed. at the front door. He followed me in." She calls again, they answer. They start asking questions she can't answer and puts me on.
I give a description: black male, 5'6"-5'8", tan hat, dark jacket (was it black? I don't know, just dark, could have been grey), jeans, a patterned bandana under his hat. they ask for a contact number and Shahnee has to give me hers about three times before I can convey it to the operator.
I start to tell Shahnee the story. A car door slams outside and the cops are already here. First 2, I give a statement, they radio in the description (timberland boots, I think, medium skin tone, average weight). 4 more show up and listen in. No, I was touched. No weapon shown, he had his hand in his pocket, I was too scared to ask. I think it's illegal to carry pepper spray in NY but I tell them anyway. I was too afraid to use it.
After After:
Shahnee says she'll wait up for me. I ride in the back of a cruiser, two cops up front. We are circling the neighborhood trying to see if I can spot him. We all know there is a slim chance. At every group of black guys we slow down. For most I can give a really quick no. too dark. too tall. too fat.
They bring me back home, fill out a report:
Description of what was taken:
1) $62-$67
2) one Motorola Razr9 cell phone, maroon, has pictures of ellie on it that I want back.
Description of him:
5'6"-5'8", black, male, tan hat, patterned bandanna underneath, dark jacket (black? I don't know, just dark), jeans (what kind? just average, not dark, not light), timberland boots. Any visable scars or tattoos? There was something weird with his teeth. When he smiled, there was something weird. I don't know if he had caps, or they were black but it was something weird.
The driver is looking at me in the rear view mirror. Gaging my reaction? Determining my sincerity?
I keep thinking something and I don't know if I should say it. I decide to. "You know, it's funny, I keep thinking back to all my psychology classes and how unreliable my own witness testimony is." They nod their heads. Because it is. They do studies and show that eye witnesses rarely get it right. I try to change different clothing items in my mind's picture of him and it's still seems right. I wonder if faced with him again I could place his face. It was all so quick. so brief.
I'm to call before monday to get a complaint number.
Shahnee is waiting up for me. I didn't think about it before but it is really comforting to not be coming back to darkness. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm totally fine.
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