The Day After

I wake up early. Did that really just happen last night? seriously? I got mugged? I need to buy a phone. I need to call my parents.
Last night I had put up a facebook and myspace notice that I had gotten mugged and already support is flowing in. I'm so grateful for all these wonderful friends. I feel minorly effected, not scared, not really worried, just focused on hitting the bank and the AT&T store. The phone I had would cost $550 because I can't renew a contract and I don't have insurance. I buy a much cheaper phone but it sounds terrible. I'm going to look for a new phone online and return this one within 30 days. One good piece of news is that I have an old SIM card that has a lot of my contacts. I won't loose that many phone numbers after all.

I'm feeling so incredibly grateful that it hasn't taken me much to get back on my feet and I feel like nothing has happened. It stinks and it's an inconvenience but it's no more then that.
I just don't want to be alone right now.
I call John and tell him what happened and that I don't want to be alone. He says come over and I spend the day there. All my conversation comes back to the mugging as I'm processing information but it's all very detached on my part.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm surprisingly fine.

It's now 7:30pm and it's dark outside. I'm starting to get nervous because I know I will have to walk from the train to my apartment. 8pm is a safe time to walk alone, right? I should be fine, right? Until what time do you think it's ok to walk alone? 10pm? 11pm? Everything will be fine, right?
I walk from his apartment to the 1 stop and am incredibly nervous. He had said, almost joking, call if you get scared. Well now I'm kind of scared. He calls and says I left something there. I'm almost abrupt in my answer. "Well I'm not going back to get it now!" I'm afraid if I turn around I won't make it out. I've already come this far and I have to keep walking.
The streets are busy, shops are open, lots of lights. I pass a black man walking alone and get really nervous. I make it to the train and down to the tracks just as it is approaching. I see a black man through the window and get nervous about getting on the train but see he is with a woman and it makes me feel alright. I sit across from them and just want to look at them, figure out their intentions and thoughts.
I get out at 145 and walk south on Broadway. I know I must have my terror written across my face. Earlier today I was looking for my mugger actively, brazenly. Now my head is ducked and I'm terrified I will run into him. I'm walking quickly, I just want to get home. My cell phone and my keys are in my coat pocket.
At the corner before I turn onto 145 three black guys are standing in a group. They are taller and heavier then my mugger and there is no way I could get away from them. I pass them and one says to me "smile sweetheart" and they start walking. I am absolutely shaking with fear. I pull out my phone and start to dial 911 so I have it at the ready in case anything happens. I stop instead at the shoe store, almost go in but then stop at the door and call John. the three guys pass me and cross the street and only then do I turn onto my street. I want to run all the way home. I need to get home now!
John answers and he is saying something about me leaving my food there but I could care less although I'm trying to be joky and laughy. I pass a black guy with a little kid and he looks me in the eyes. I get more scared but try to rationalize that he wouldn't do anything especially with a kid there. Or maybe he doesn't care and would do something anyway. I walk faster. I finally get out to John that I got scared. My voice is so shaky that John asks if it's cold out. I'm almost to my apartment, so close.
I approach the main door and there is a hispanic woman waiting outside on the phone with an easter basket and a bag. She obviously can't get a hold of whoever she knows in the apartment building. I open the door and she starts to follow me in. I want to slam the fucking door in her face. Who the fuck is she to follow me in without even saying anything? I want to push her back and say, sorry, it's my new policy, wait for whoever you know to buzz you in. but I don't. She follows, smiles and says thank you.
I almost run up the stairs, quickly unlock the door, jump inside and lock the door behind me. I let out all the tension I've been holding and have a complete melt down. I'm terrified, sobbing, gasping for air, pacing the floor, trying to explain what happened, why I got so scared.

I didn't expect this. I didn't expect to be so terrified. It was an all consuming fear that filled my body completely. I've never had a panic attack before but I imagine that was it.
I think it takes me a full 15 minutes to finally calm down.
I don't know what's going on with me.
I don't like that I see black men as so threatening now. I hope that goes away.
I don't like that I feel so scared, so vulnerable alone. I hope that goes away.

I realize I need to talk to others who have gone through the same thing so I can see what's going to happen. I need some kind of support from people who have been there. I don't now if you can understand that complete, consuming and utter irrational fear unless you've experienced it. I certainly never knew what it was until today.
I get off the phone with John and call Anna. I just want to keep talking. I tell her what just happened and start sobbing again. She knows some people that have been mugged and I ask a lot of questions about what happened to them after.
How long until they felt normal?
Did they feel like they had to move?
Did they get scared like me?
What did they feel?
I get off the phone with her and call Kristian. He had a severe car accident and wasn't able to sit in the passenger seat of a car for a while without freaking out. There are a lot of similarities in what happened and he was able to put some things in perspective for me. I'm realizing that this is going to be a long process back to feeling safe.
He recommends self-defense classes. It always seemed so cheesy to me before but now it is looking really good. Just so I can know what to do. Just so I'm not so scared. Just so I'm not so frozen.
Maybe he's really been able to calm me down, maybe I'm just exhausted but I'm falling asleep while on the phone and not catching much of what he says. I'm able to cover it up until he says "that was a joke" and I have no idea what he is talking about. I admit I've been falling asleep and finally get off the phone and go to bed.

Tonight the bedroom door is unlocked and the window is open.
Baby steps to normalcy.