I'm so frustrated with myself

Today I had a place to be all day.
Work.
Meeting.
Rehearsal.
I was due home around 9:30pm but rehearsal let out early and I was home around 9:15pm. I walked with others from Theatre Row to the train and was fine. I kept monitoring my thoughts. Am I scared now? Does this make me scared? Is this alright?
I annoyed myself. I was fine, didn't feel threatened and was calm.

My friend had to go on a different train and I rode the train by myself. I sat next to a black guy. I wasn't scared at all. I was still monitoring myself to see where my limit was but everything was fine. I wasn't scared, but I was dreading the walk home.

I got off the train. I took a deep breath.
I'm going to be fine.
It's all fine.
Up the stairs, through the turnstile, up more stairs and out into the night.
I'm walking really fast.
Why did he just look at me? I'm sure it's nothing.
Who is that behind me? not threatening.
Cross the street, check behind me.
Turn the corner, check behind me.
Pass the pay phones, check behind me.
Get to the store, turn onto 143, check behind me....
someone is there, male, dark skin. I turn back to the corner store.
Feeling slightly nervous.
Call my roommate, straight to voicemail.
I try again.
Turn the corner, check behind me, male, dark skin, back to the corner store.
More nervous, pacing back and forth.
I dial 911 on my phone and prepare to hit call.
I try again.
Turn the corner, check behind me, male, black, walking quickly, back the corner store.
Really scared now. I can't even make it a few steps.
People across the street are staring at the crazy white bitch.
I try my roommate again. Straight to voicemail.
There is a worker outside of the store and I summon the courage to ask him to walk me.
I offer to pay him.
He calls someone else over to translate for him but I can speak Spanish. I'm in tears now. He refuses, he has to work.
I'm completely breaking down now crying on the corner of Amsterdam and 143. I have no idea how to make it home or what to do.
I spot a cop car parked at the intersection and I quickly walk to it. I try to control myself but I'm very much breaking down. I'm having trouble breathing and cannot control the crying.
The officer rolls down the window.
"I was just mugged a couple days ago and I'm scared to walk down the street to my apartment. It's literally right there and I can't make it."
"Do you want a ride?"
"I would love a ride. thank you so much"
They ask me questions about when it happened, did I report it, was it only a robbery.
I answer and keep apologizing:
For crying.
For the inconvenience.
For being so weak.
They drop me off, wait for the door to close firmly behind me.

I run upstairs, go inside, sob to my roommate.
She left her cell phone at her parents house. They're fed-exing it tomorrow.
She hugs me and lets me freak out.

I'm so frustrated with myself.